Hello there old friend. It's been months. No surprise, I only come here occasionally — peaking on the downest-fall of my life — if that's even a word. To tell you honestly, I have written countless words in this blog. I just can't afford to finish them. They were all stuck in the draft. Probably forever they will be. No, I am not abandoning this nook, the way I am portraying them. It's just that I am who's what's wrong in this scenario. Sudden bursts of energy. Sudden gut feelings. Sudden ideas and thoughts.. but my friend named Jane Doe, she suddenly takes them away. And then I'd come back empty. Suddenly, I have no thoughts. I got no words. I don't even know what to feel. She's like a thief of the night who likes to come and go. And when she goes, she takes away everything. She's a monster. She doesn't even know what to do with them.

No, I am not defending myself from being the bad one. Maybe I am the bad one. But there's one thing I am certain. I'm going to finish this shit, for the sake of me. I look so pity, looking at myself empty. I wouldn't want to let Jane take away this tiny spark that I have in me. I wanted to be the bad one and defeat her this time.

This is not me. I've known myself for being the happiest person when I'm happy. The saddest person when I'm sad. The angriest one, and such. When I love, I love the most. But why is it that I think I should love, but I am not feeling it anymore? Back in the days, I used to be really fund of horror or thrilling movies. And when I tell you I'm the person who's most scared in the room, I am the most scared person in the room. As a matter of fact, I used to take the feeling along with me. I would feel derealization and I would always imagine those scary scenes in my head. When I'm angry, I am the most annoying one. I was so immature that time it would embarrass everyone, but honestly, if I were to choose between the calm and angry one, then I would choose the latter. If only now I could still be the latter, but no. I no longer am.

Honestly, I feel like there's really nothing that's left inside of me. But I like to be hard-headed sometimes and prove myself that maybe I could be the grown up whose gonna save myself. So please allow me to give it a try.

I am so sad, and lonely.

No, that's not what I feel, but maybe this is what I should've felt. This is what I'm supposed to feel. Sad. As it seems to be that everyday, my soul is crushing. I couldn't feel it, but maybe I really am crushing. Lonely. I am alone with my thoughts and then they all get taken away from me, and I reckon no one would ever be able to understand, as I myself doesn't understand it at all.

Maybe crying could help.

No, no.. I am not crying for help if you've got it all mixed. But I hope there'd be something or someone, I don't know? Maybe an entity that could save me.

I am writing this paragraph to maybe seal these few remaining thoughts that's left of me, before they're taken away. I could cry, but I really can't justify as to why should I. I shouldn't cry, but right now, crying feels right.

I kept on going back and forth, and I just feel confusion all over me.  I have feelings, but why am I not feeling them anymore? Should I just end it all? Ending it all would make so much sense right now, but doing it doesn't feel right. I want to be the smart person, and make adult decisions for myself. But I am confused and I feel like there's something that's missing. I couldn't figure it out.

I apologize for it seems like these paragraphs' being such a hell of a rollercoaster ride, I wish it wouldn't be written this way either. And to tell you honestly, as I am writing these letters, it's coming back again. I feel my thoughts being slowly taken away, and sooner I will no longer have words to say.

Honestly saying, I really have no words anymore.. and I thought maybe I should end my paragraph here as I am afraid I would decide to have this one leave on draft. As I do my best to makes me words longer, they feel more and more nonsense, so I guess this would be it for now. My apologies. I will come back next day, or maybe not. But I hope that when I do, I'd be able to construct

0 Comments:

Post a Comment