Hello, (again.)

Guess what? I'm back. Isn't it shameful to always start my blog posts with a quote-en-quote "hello again" — just goes to show how bad I am at keeping this blog and just how bad I am at keeping everything in all aspects, in life. This blog has been my pal for 12 years now, but I always take it for granted because I know 'it's always gonna be there'. I know how it feels to take it for granted, yet I still do, because well.. it's always gonna be there. It won't run away. And I know, when I'm sad or bored or hopeless, it's always gonna be there waiting for me to finally ticky-tap-tap my keyboard then rant about life. I've grown so much in life - I've been through so many ups and downs, so many phases, yet this blog.. it stays the same. And you know what, no matter how I think I look so selfish, I kind of grown to like it like this. To have something that's never gonna turn back on me, so I could take it for granted. Man, that just shows how human I am.

I guess that's just life, right? It's just so bittersweet. It's just so perfectly imperfect that when things turn out so perfectly, we reject it, we doubt it and don't want it because we always liked it to be a little too hard to reach. Man, this life. Yet, we rant about it anyway. And I honestly can't imagine having a life that's so perfectly aligned but at the same time, I yearn for it. Because I've been so damn tired of always trying so hard that I just work hard for it anyway, because I'm hopeful that life will eventually get better. Does it even get better? Are we even gonna get there? Or are we just running on a loop trying to chase something we don't even want?

See, as much as I don't want it to sound like I'm only "here" again because life's been playing tough on me, but for real though, I can't deny it. Life's always been hard but these days are even harder this time. Mid-life crisis, isn't it? I'm in the state where I don't even really know where to go. It's been stagnant, and I'm bored.. I don't know where I'm heading at so I wanted to break-free from this chain and want something change. Yet, I've been too comfortable at this resting phase that embracing a big change seems so hard and now, I just question everything in life. What is even the point?. 3 year ago, I remembered asking myself "is it even gonna be worth it?" somebody told me that it will, so I just hold on to that. I believed. Yet, 3 years ago, so much has changed.. but where was it? Where was that worthiness that I have been waiting for? Sure, good things happened along the way, and so did bad things. But why is it the I never have felt that worthiness that someone promised me about? Am I even gonna get there? Did I even get there, but just walked passed through it? Did I let go of something that's supposedly gonna be leading me towards the right way? I am confused. Because when I look back, so much has changed, yet along those ways, it doesn't even feel like something's happening. So now I'm wondering, if am I really getting towards something big? Or it's just always gonna be like this.

Honestly, I don't know. I have lose energy of hyping up for something. I'm scared of getting inside that big bubble, yet I'm also scared that I actually am already in the big bubble and that I've reached the peak of it all — nothing's waiting for me anymore.

Life? Are you even gonna get better? Because I feel so stuck yet I've been stucked for too long that moving isn't even the best idea for me anymore. I hope you get the methapor.

So I'm just gonna sit here—